Why self-forgiveness is crucial to writing

Ever since I was a kid, I considered myself a writer. The very first story I remember writing was when I was in kindergarten, and was something akin to Pokémon fanfic, except before the internet existed. In second grade I decided I wanted to be a published author. I eventually went to college to get an English degree.

Except, I was pretty bad at writing regularly.

I would go through periods when I was good at it—I wrote almost daily and made huge strides in whatever project I was working on. In college, I wrote a lot, except it was always papers and emails, not my creative work.

While it’s perfectly normal and healthy to have seasons of life that you might just not be able to write through, I wasn’t even using my free time during summer or winter breaks to focus on writing, at least for an extended period of time.

But since December of last year, I’ve regularly committed to writing. I’ve gotten to the third draft of my novel, written several short stories, one of which was published, and I’ve started a blog. So what changed?

There are several contributing factors: I found a writing community, I made writing a priority in my schedule, and found some accountability. But before all that, there was one big thing: I practiced self-forgiveness.

Let me explain. I used to make lofty goals for writing, like I needed to write every day. I would make New Year’s resolutions to write one page per day, or I would join NaNoWriMo to finish 50,000 words in one month, even though I hadn’t been writing regularly in years. While these goals aren’t bad in and of themselves, there was one fatal flaw with all my plans: me. Specifically, my tendency to beat myself up if I stumbled while trying to achieve these goals. I would start out strong, writing every day and hitting my goals, but then something would happen. I would get busy or burnt out or just lazy and not write for a couple days. And I would feel terrible. I would think Well, I messed up that goal. Can’t fix it now. And inevitably this guilt and feeling of failure would discourage me to the point where I no longer even tried to hit my goal. Before I even noticed, it had been months since I wrote anything.

But last year, I decided to write regularly (not necessarily daily) once again. And guess what? I messed up. I was getting my Master’s degree and working two jobs and was newly married. So a week would go by, and I wouldn’t have written a word. But instead of beating myself up, I decided to forgive myself. To accept that just because I messed up, didn’t mean I needed to give up. I accepted that I hadn’t hit my small goal, and moved on. When I released myself from the expectation of perfection, I was suddenly free to mess up, and still keep going.

This may be obvious to you, and if so, congrats! Or you may be like me, and, without even realizing it, you’ve been holding yourself back because you stumble along the way to your goal. The more you write, the more you’ll realize that writing is not about perfection. It’s about determination, and deciding that no matter what, you’ll keep trying, even if you don’t always hit your goal. Forgive yourself. Give yourself permission to fail, and then move on. It might be the best gift you can give yourself as a writer.

How do you deal with failure? Do you struggle with achieving your goals, and how do you let that affect you? Let me know in the comments!

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Featured image by Nathan McBride

Fiction Friday: NaNoWriMo snippet

NaNoWriMo–short for National Novel Writing Month–encourages participants to write 50,000 words of a novel in the thirty days of November. It’s a time for writers to go partially insane and enjoy the community of others doing the same! I hadn’t planned on participating this year, but on the morning of November 1st, I was struck with an idea that I couldn’t let go of–or, rather, it wouldn’t let go of me. It’s a YA fantasy book that I first began in high school/early college but hadn’t looked at in years. I decided it would be a nice break from Chaos Theory, so I’ve been enjoying the “speed drafting” process as I write it. For Fiction Friday, here’s the short prologue. Enjoy!

Pangin Vernd paced back and forth in the long castle hallway. Strong hands clasped behind his back, graying head tilted downward, he moved with an intense focus. But his hunched, downcast shoulders belied his stoic nature, and even his military training could not keep his irises from shifting to a deep purple showing his concern and intense worry.
Pangin Vernd glanced out the window to observe the moon and how far it had risen above the tree line. Nearly an hour has passed, he thought. Where are they? The Pangin glanced towards the looming door that led into the King and Queen’s bedroom as he chewed on the inside of his lip. Pangin Vernd had promised to personally alert them of any change in the situation immediately, but that required him having knowledge of it himself first. He had been a teenager when the King was born, and as he made his way up through the military until becoming the Pangin, its leader, he had become closer with King Elroi, especially now that they worked together for decades during the King’s rule. Never before had the Pangin had something of this magnitude actually happened—maybe something close, but never anything this tragic and dangerous.
Pangin Vernd shook his head. If anything were to happen…the Pangin refused to dwell on hypotheticals. It would do no good. If he had learned anything from his years in the military, it was to focus on the present, and on doing all that he could do to rescue the—
His thoughts were interrupted when the door opened. King Elroi stepped out into the hallway, shutting the door behind him.
“Your Majesty.” Pangin Vernd lowered his tall body into a bow.
“Pangin Vernd, what news?” King Elroi asked. The King stood in stark contrast to his normal dignified appearance: Rather than standing straight and proud with his long dark mane combed to perfection, he now slumped, as if the weight of the day were pushing down on him, and his hair was disheveled as if he hadn’t stopped running his hands through it. His eyes also reflected a concerned purple, mixed with a shade of sad, pale blue. The Pangin hesitated to tell him his lack of information.
“Sigurd Vernd, tell me where my son is.”
Pangin Vernd winced at the use of his first name. King Elroi was one of the few men who knew him well enough to call him by it, but he rarely did so. It pained Pangin Vernd now, hearing the King’s distress in the words. He cared for the King as he did for his own son, as he did for the Prince who had been kidnapped late last night. Almost as deep as his concern for the danger Prince Joshua was in was his anguish at seeing King Elroi in this agony. A compassionate shade of light blue reflected in Pangin Vernd’s eyes.
“King Elroi…I am sorry. I do not know anything more than when I last spoke to you. I promise, I will tell you as soon as I hear anything. If you’ll rejoin Queen Grace in your room, I’m sure she would appreciate it—” Pangin Vernd began.
“What Grace would appreciate is having her son returned safely to her,” the King said. “How do you not know anything yet?’
Pangin Vernd pursed his lips, mentally reviewing the last twelve hours. The night before, Prince Joshua had been enjoying the New Moon Festival with his family and many from the kingdom. At nearly midnight, according to one of the guards, the Prince stepped out with a masked guest from the festivities, followed by only three guards, at the request of the Prince for discretion. A group of attackers had descended on them, incapacitating the guards and taking Prince Joshua. The guest had left with them, presumably an accomplice working with the attackers. One guard claimed the attackers had Jikorvian accents, though Pangin Vernd was cautious to claim the kidnapping had been sanctioned by the neighboring kingdom just yet. A ransom note had arrived at the castle, delivered on a riderless horse, demanding an exorbitant amount of money and jewels, or Prince Joshua would be killed. The King and Queen, of course, were willing to do anything to rescue Joshua, but Pangin Vernd reminded them it would be wise to not only save the Prince, but also capture the people responsible for his kidnapping. So the royal couple agreed to leave the money at the exchange point, while Pangin Vernd would have a score of his most skilled soldiers hiding to take back the Prince and arrest whoever arrived to pick up the ransom money. The exchange was supposed to have happened an hour ago, and the Pangin was expecting a message soon on how the mission went.
“Our messenger has not arrived yet,” Pangin Vernd explained. “Please, your Majesty, do not worry. I am sure the Prince is safe, and my men are returning him now.” Of course, that was not at all how Pangin Vernd felt, but he knew he needed to soothe the King.
“Well, when will they be back?” King Elroi asked, an edge born of tiredness and desperation creeping into his voice. “Please, Pangin, my wife and I are exhausted from worry and lack of sleep. We just need to know that our son is safe.”
“I understand, my King. I want nothing more than to know that also. But—” Pangin Vernd stopped when he heard footsteps running down the hallway. He exchanged a glance with King Elroi before both men simultaneously walked swiftly toward where their current hallway met the next.
As they rounded the corner, the King and the Pangin saw the Pongen, Vernd’s second in command, standing there. Pongen Blithe had been in charge of the rescue mission, and Pangin Vernd was surprised to see that he had come, not a messenger.
“Pongen Blithe, what news?” Pangin Vernd called out. As they came closer, however, Pongen Blithe’s gaze stopped both of them in their tracks.
The soldier’s eyes, trained to be serious and emotionless, were instead colored a deep, mournful blue. The sorrowful shade pierced the Pangin from where he stood, and he already knew the words before Pongen Blithe spoke them:
“The Prince is dead.”

Featured image by Cederic X

Interview with author Shanthi Sekaran

Today I am thrilled to share an interview with award-winning novelist, Shanthi Sekaran! Shanthi has written two contemporary fiction books, and her most recent novel Lucky Boy has received numerous accolades, including being named an IndieNext Great Read and an NPR Best Book of 2017. Lucky Boy has struck a chord with readers as it weaves together the story of two very different immigrants and the boy who connects them. We had a great time chatting at Denver’s BookBar, but since there was a bit of background noise, I’m including the transcript of our conversation rather than the audio recording. Enjoy!

This interview has been lightly edited for length and clarity.

Chelsea Pennington: Will you describe your publishing journey? How you first got into writing, all the way to having your books published.

Shanthi Sekaran: So I guess I started writing really at the end of college and then pretty quickly applied to MFA programs and went to Johns Hopkins. This is back in 2001, so that was sort of my start in writing. Out of that program I wrote a novel, and that novel has never been published. I think I was just sort of learning how to write a novel at that point. And then my first book that came out was The Prayer Room. That was in 2008, so that was a good seven years after I did my MFA. And that was with a smaller independent press called MacAdam/Cage. So my experience there was pretty different from what I’ve had with Lucky Boy. Lucky Boy is my latest, and that came out in 2017, January with Putnam. That’s been a much different publishing experience and a great experience as well.

CP: In between the MFA program and The Prayer Room coming out, were you working on The Prayer Room that whole time, or did you have other projects?

SS: Pretty much. I was finishing this novel that never got published, and teaching English in Germany, and then moving to England and working temp jobs that I hated. I think working these jobs I really didn’t like gave me the motivation to actually sink my teeth into The Prayer Room and start doing something I really wanted to do. I started that in England, and that must have been three, four years after I graduated. So, you know, I didn’t publish a lot of short stories. I had one short story come out in Best New American Voices. That was my first publication, right out of grad school. But I haven’t done the traditional track of lots of short stories and lots of writing conferences. I was kind of just on my own, working on my novel.

CP: So looking at Lucky Boy, if you’ll summarize that a little bit and then talk about what made you want to look at these different types of immigration stories?

SS: Lucky Boy is about a woman named Soli, and she’s from Mexico. She’s undocumented, and we follow her from leaving her little village in Mexico to arriving in Berkeley, California. She ends up having a baby in Berkeley. The other side of that story is the story of this woman named Kavya, and she’s Indian-American, has lived in Berkeley for a long time, has had a pretty privileged life compared to Soli, and is the daughter of Indian immigrants.

The book, for me, started off more as an examination of Soli’s story. It was her story that first really intrigued me. And it started from hearing about parents in the U.S. who were losing their children to the foster system or to adoption when they were put in detention centers. So that’s where my curiosity started. And then I knew I wanted to tell both sides of that story, because I wanted to understand what was happening for someone like Soli, but I also wanted to understand what was happening for adoptive parents, and how they got to a place where they were willing to adopt a child whose parent wasn’t necessarily willing to give them up, and I really wanted to explore both sides of that story. But it was really Soli that I started out with, and then Kavya that I had to kind of learn about, in terms of character and motivation I had to really figure out who she was.

CP: You are first generation Indian-American–

SS: Yeah! I was born in the U.S.–I don’t know if that’s first generation, I guess it’s first generation? I don’t know what it is [laughs]

CP: [laughs] The articles I was reading for research said first generation, so I think that’s right! But, your parents are immigrants to the U.S., but you were born in California, right?

SS: Yeah, in California.

CP: So that aligns a little more with Kavya’s experience of being Indian-American, so it’s interesting to me that you say she’s sort of the one you had to figure out a little more in terms of bringing her character to life?

SS: Yeah, you know, I guess what I had to figure out with her was how important it was that she was Indian, that she was the daughter of immigrants. I kind of made her Indian to start off with because I make most of my characters Indian, because why not? But then I had to realize that it was actually very important that she was Indian-American because my story was not just the story of Soli. It was the story of how different immigrants function differently on American soil according to the privileges they’re given.

CP: You have an interesting part in the book where you talk about Kavya seeing the name of an immigrant owner of a business and how they’re proudly displaying it, and how that was so unusual–there’s the line about how if there’s an American flag sticker on the window, it’s probably owned by an immigrant.

SS: I remember with my own parents–they had an office, so they didn’t have the window display, really, but I remember them putting an American flag sticker on their car after 9/11. And, you know, I was like, ‘Why are you doing this?’ I sort of had a problem with the flag-waving reaction to that incident. But I was like, ‘Why are you doing this?’ and they’re like, ‘Well, we don’t want our windows smashed in.’ For them it was self-defense.

CP: Either in your MFA program or in publishing, have people pushed back against having main characters that are not white?

SS: Not about them being not white, not really. I expected more pushback maybe from the Latinx community, but haven’t really received very much at all. The Latino community’s been very welcoming of this book, which I feel very grateful for. The pushback that I most recently got was about the fact that I gave equal weight to both sides of the story. There was someone—I think it was on Twitter—someone had a real problem with the fact that I gave equal weight to Kavya’s story, you know, with Kavya being a woman who wanted to take away the child of a struggling immigrant mother. And so we went back and forth on Twitter a little bit, but essentially, she had a problem with me doing something that it was very important for me to do. I wanted to give equal weight to both sides, and humanize both sides and fully explore both sides, because in the real-life scenarios, the people adopting children away from detained immigrants, those are real people. They’re humans, you know, they’re nuanced. They’re not comic book bad guys, they’re real people.

CP: How did the story change and develop as you were researching and then writing it? Is the way that the story is published how you had it in mind when you first came up with the idea?

SS: No, not at all, it changed a lot. I worked on it for about five and a half years or six years. I began with one draft that took about two years to write, and then I spent three years fixing that. So the ending changed. The ending completely flipped from one outcome to another, after a few drafts. I lost a character, I added a new character–Vikram Sen, the CFO at the Silicon Valley company. He’s a pretty late addition, the whole Silicon Valley element was a late addition. It changed shape, and chronologically it changed as well. It went from being very linear to actually being a little more…jumbled up, chronologically.

CP: And did those changes mainly come from just from you looking at it and reworking it, or other opinions and editors suggesting stuff?

SS: The ending change came from me showing the book to a few friends, and them calling attention to the fact that the ending I used to have didn’t really do justice to the dramatic build-up that I created. And then I came up with the crazy ending that I came up with. I had a couple readers, my agent, a couple readers early on who were like, ‘I don’t know if this is interesting. I’m not sure if it has the dramatic tension that it needs.’ So then I decided, okay, well let’s look at how we can shuffle this around chronologically and maybe create an inherent tension, an inherent curiosity, by not telling everything as it happens.

CP: What advice do you have for readers trying to write a character where they don’t really share much experience?

SS: Yeah, you know, first you have to take some time and actually ask yourself if you’re willing to put in the work. I really had to sit down with myself and be like, ‘Can I write this?’ and ‘Should I write this?’ because I knew it was going to be a load of research. And I also asked myself, ‘What am I going to bring to this story that someone else couldn’t?’ How am I going to make this my story, in a way? And so I had all these questions sitting with me, and for one thing, I was willing to face down the research, to actually do it. I was willing to take a very long, slow process with creating Soli’s character. And with creating Kavya’s character, because Kavya’s this woman who’s struggling to have children, you know, and that’s not something I’ve had to deal with. So even though I’m Indian-American and so is she, there are a lot of things in her life that I hadn’t had to experience. So I committed to just very carefully and slowly building Soli’s character and making sure she was fully fleshed out and not a saint, and as nuanced as I could make her. And then I think creating a duality where, you know, I brought in the Indian-American thread, and I was actually trying to shed new light on the privileges that we afford different types of immigrants. How someone like Kavya’s family, or my family, were given a pretty secure path to being documented, to becoming citizens, as opposed to someone like Soli who lives in a sort of peril, with uncertainty, who can’t set down the foundations that my parents were able to.

CP: You mentioned the book was published in 2017, and I think it was right before Donald Trump was inaugurated.

SS: Yes

CP: I’m curious if you’ve seen a change in reaction in these about two years since it’s come out, and then if you think it would have been different at all if you were planning and writing the book in the two years?

SS: I don’t know if I could have written this book in the last two years. I think I’m too stressed out by what’s happening in the country to sit down and write a book like this. When you write fiction, as opposed to non-fiction, you really need some mental quiet, and when I started this, you know, from 2011 to 2016, I had that mental quiet that I needed, I had that space, so I was able to really develop the characters, develop the stories, take my time.

In terms of what’s happened in the last two years, the book…it keeps bouncing off the real world in new ways. With the migrants who are now approaching our border…So the conversation is constantly changing. A few months ago we were all talking about family separations at the border, and my book becomes relevant to me in new ways, like, every two weeks. It’s a constant development. So when I give book talks and stuff, I’m constantly rehashing what I want to say and reconsidering how my book applies to reality.

CP: I’m curious how people react when you go to book talks. When people are asking questions–I guess if they’re coming to the book talk hopefully they’re excited about the book–but do you ever get people who are a little bit…antagonistic seems too harsh, but questioning why you would tell these stories?

SS: Not questioning why I would tell these stories, but I do get people probing for me to making generalizations that I’m not comfortable making. You know, I had a man at a reading ask, ‘Well, what’s the difference between Indian immigrants and Mexican immigrants?’ And I was like, ‘I don’t know, what is the difference? There is no difference.’ Indian immigrants want their children to be educated and get jobs and have families. The Mexican immigrants I know what their children to be educated and get jobs and have families. I mean, it’s all pretty standard. And I think that people look for these distinguishing differences between groups of immigrants, inherent differences, and I don’t think there are inherent differences. They’re all people trying to make their lives better for different reasons.

Probably the most sort of honest pushback I got at an event was with some high school students in Arkansas. Basically, they were like, ‘Well, what do you think this country should do about illegal immigrants?’ They said illegal immigrants, but undocumented immigrants? That was really the most direct question I’d gotten from anyone. I knew what they were getting at–because their teachers afterward were like, ‘They were being really polite.’ [laughs] So I kind of knew where they were coming from, and I answered their question honestly. I spoke specifically to what I thought needed to happen, with the caveat that I’m a novelist, you know, I can’t give the sort of complex answer that policy person would, but I do my best.

CP: This book covers really big topics, really relevant topics. How did you balance writing about those subjects and still making it a story that’s not too preachy and is still interesting as a story and not a non-fiction lecture?

SS: I knew that there was always a danger that this issue could get resolved. I mean, obviously it hasn’t, but I knew as I was writing it, it could stop being current fiction and could become sort of a comment on something that happened years ago. So I had to really focus on making this a story that would outlast the issues, that would just be a very compelling human story. So I really focused on character. I focused, not on the issues, but on the very deep impulses we have as humans, like the impulse towards motherhood or parenthood. The impulse toward change. So I focused on story in that way so it would stay current.

CP: You got your agent a week before your first child was born, and then you were finishing Lucky Boy sort of in the wee hours after your second child was born. Obviously motherhood is an important topic in Lucky Boy, but I’m curious how that has maybe affected your writing both in Lucky Boy and in the rest of your works?

SS: Right, so, I got my first book deal a couple weeks before my first child was born. So I think that my career as a writer has had to grow alongside my children. They’ve always been intertwined. Being a mother and a writer…you don’t get a lot of hours. So you learn to take the hours that you have. You know, my writing day has to stop either at 3pm or earlier, or maybe, you know, on longer school days at 5pm. And I really only get a few hours in there, and plus I teach, so my writing time is very concentrated over a few hours, maybe a couple days a week. The upside of that is that when I think about it, I think about when I will ‘get’ to write. It’s never ‘have’ to write. I never see it as a burden. I see it as this thing that I get to do. I work well, I think, with having that full schedule and having that tension of wanting to get back to my writing, and I wouldn’t be the writer that I am without my kids. I think I experience the world in a much more intense way because of my children, and I notice the world in a much more minute way because of them, because of the things that they see and the questions that they ask.

CP: Do you have any tips for people who have these busy schedules, and how you get into your writing mood or routine?

SS: You know, I’ve tried various tactics over the years. I went through a phase where I would type out a poem–someone else’s poem–that I liked. Just to get me in the groove of writing, so there wasn’t so much pressure put on, you know, the first words I was going to come up with. I’ve tried that, and I’m working on a children’s novel right now, but the poetry stuff works great for my adult fiction. Sometimes I just have to start. I start with one sentence, you know, and I think it was Hemingway’s advice to always leave yourself a little bit that you haven’t written yet, just to have a thread to pick up the next time, so I try to do that. Sometimes I just have to start, and sometimes I know the writing isn’t going to feel good, but it might actually be good writing. It just doesn’t feel good that day. Sometimes there’s chocolate. Chocolate actually really helps.

CP: True of everything in life. [laughs]

SS: Yeah! [laughs] And it’s going to be slow some days. I know that. And some days it’s just going to go like gangbusters. And what can I do, you know? I just have to go with what comes.

CP: You mentioned this, but you were born in California and you’ve lived in Germany and England and now you’re back in California. How has living abroad and traveling impacted your writing?

SS: I learned a lot. I guess I was technically an immigrant in England–I was there for six years. I learned a lot about what it’s like to first arrive in a country. To want to just have a normal life, for things to just feel normal and a little boring. To get into that routine where you feel safe and secure and confident in what you’re doing. Living specifically in England, you know, one of the first jobs I had was working in a call center at Capitol One, which is like the worst job for me. It was not the job that I should have been doing, to be strapped to a phone and forced to answer calls all day. But the thing that it taught me–it took me from sort of not knowing the nuances of British English to being able to pick out different accents to learning turns-of-phrase, to learning very British idioms, learning how things were phrased differently there than they were in the U.S. It was like a boot camp in British dialogue, and that helped me a lot with my first book, with The Prayer Room. So, you know, one of the great things about being a writer is that you take your experiences, good or bad, and you take what you can from them. Every experience offers something that will enhance your writing.

CP: What’s one thing you wish you’d known, either before you got your MFA or before you were published, something you would tell new writers hoping to get published?

SS: I wished I’d had more of an idea of all the great opportunities out there for all the people who weren’t doing an MFA. Because, you know, my MFA was actually only a year, and I had just barely dipped my toe in the water, and then it was over. I didn’t really know very about conferences, like Sewanee and Bread Loaf, and these great things that are just so enriching for early writers. I wish I’d known more about that.

CP: What’s your favorite writing resource, whether that’s a book or blog or whatever?

SS: I really like The Millions and Electric Lit. They’re both websites. There’s one called Writer Land that I think is great. It’s got some good stuff on there, and good writer interviews as well. In terms of craft books, I really like Anne Lamott’s book Bird by Bird. It’s a great insight into the writing life, and some good craft stuff as well. I’ve been reading The Poet’s Companion by Kim Addonizio [and Dorianne Lux] and it’s a poetry craft book, but it gives me a lot of insight into writing prose as well.

CP: If you could choose any character you’ve written, published or not published, to go on a road trip with, who would it be?

SS: Any character that I’ve written to go on a road trip with…I think I would go on a road trip with Vikram Sen, from Lucky Boy. Because he’s kind of wacky, I think it would be unpredictable. He has a lot of money so we’d stay in nice places. Yeah, I think he’d be fun.

(FYI–This post includes affiliate links. I promise to never recommend anything that I haven’t loved and think you should try!)

If you want to learn more about Shanthi and her books, visit her website here.

Click to buy The Prayer Room and Lucky Boy.

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Write every day: Bad Writing Advice (Part One)

If you’re new to writing (or even if you’re not) you’ve definitely received this advice: write every day. People tell you about Stephen King and how he writes several thousand words a day. And of course you want to be successful like Stephen King, so you need to do that too: write a thousand words, every single day, whether it’s Christmas or you’re sick or you’re on family vacation.

Except…this is terrible advice.

Consider this scenario: You’ve decided to start running. While asking for tips for new runners, you’re continually told to run every day. Run five miles every day, regardless of the weather or how you feel.

That’s crazy, right? We have been taught that our bodies and muscles need a break—you can’t push them to their breaking point every single day, or eventually they’ll just break. It takes time to build up stamina, and even when you’re an experienced runner, you still need to take a break so you can rest and give your muscles time to recover. This may look like not working out at all that day or it may mean cross-training.

But somehow when it comes to writing, we’re told to write every day, and specifically work on your main project every day. While this sounds like a good goal, in reality it will burn out your creative muscles, just as running long distances every day will be detrimental to your physical muscles.

This advice comes from a good place, and the idea behind it is correct. You should be writing regularly. Especially as a new writer, it can be easy to think you should only be writing when you feel “inspired,” when really you need to learn how to force yourself to write even when you don’t feel like it. If you decided to start running, but only run when you feel like it, you’re not going to be running very often! So the advice to “write every day” is meant to teach new writers that you can’t just wait until you feel inspired to write, but you need to write regularly.

Just like you can build up your muscles and stamina by running regularly, you can do the same when you write regularly. It’s even possible to write daily, without burning out. The key to doing this is the same as exercising daily: mix it up.

You don’t need to write 2,000 words on your main project every day. That will lead to burnout. Rather, make your goal to do something related to writing every day. Mostly, this will be writing your main project. But it can also mean editing. Or working on a side project, or smaller projects like short stories. If you have a blog, writing a post is still “working out” your writing muscles, but gives you a break from the more intense process of writing your novel. Even when you exercise regularly, you need to incorporate what are called “active rest” days. This means you’re not just sitting on the couch all day, but you’re not doing intense workouts—maybe you go for an easy hike, or walk for several miles. In writing this might be working on something like fanfiction, spending some time journaling, or even reading a good book with the critical eye of a writer to see why it works. These are all useful and can help you become a better writer, but are a little bit easier on your creative muscles.

So, the advice to write every day stems from good intentions, but take it with a grain of salt. I tend to make weekly writing goals as opposed to daily writing goals. This way, if I have a crazy busy and exhausting day, I don’t need to feel guilty about not writing—I can focus on using time on less busy days that will be more productive, and still hit my goal. Ultimately, your goal should be to write consistently, not constantly. If you stick to this, you’ll see yourself begin to grow, and the chances of burnout will lower significantly.

How often do you write? Have you ever felt burnt out before? How did you recover from it and how do you prevent it from happening again? Let me know in the comments!

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Featured image by Dmitry Ratushny

5 useful online tools

Ah, the internet. What did we even do before it existed? I may be a bookworm, but I am still eternally grateful for the internet and the many benefits it brings. Whether you’re writing a book or working on a school assignment, these websites will make your life infinitely easier.

The Hemingway Editor

I could sing praises from the rooftops for this one! Named, of course, for Ernest Hemingway, this website helps you achieve his clear, bold style (or at least attempt to get close to it). Just copy and paste your section of writing into the page, and it will grade you on readability and clarity. It also highlights things like adverbs, passive voice, and other stylistic habits you probably want to avoid. It’s a good way to know if something actually makes sense outside of your head, without forcing your friends to read every single thing you write.

Evernote

So, I love the idea of being the author who always carries around a notebook to write down inspiration and ideas. But in reality? That just doesn’t work for me (RIP all the journals I bought for that exact purpose). So instead I use Evernote. There is a paid version, but the free one allows you to have it sync across two devices, and since I just have my phone and my computer, that’s all I need. You can have multiple virtual “notebooks” so you can sort your notes instead of them being a big jumble, and everything is searchable. I also have the Google Chrome browser extension so when I’m on a webpage that I want to remember, I can easily save it to Evernote for later. There are a million other things you can do with Evernote that I’m still discovering, but at its most basic, it’s an easy place to gather all my thoughts and then access them from my phone or computer.

Grammarly

I like to think I’m pretty good at grammar, but it never hurts to have backup. Grammarly is a browser extension that basically acts like the spell and grammar check you have on Word, but for when you’re on the internet. Whether you’re writing an email, filling out an application, or just updating Facebook, it alerts you to misspelled words, grammar mistakes, and other syntactical suggestions. If spelling or grammar is a weak point for you, this is definitely a must-have. They also recently added a feature so that it plays nice with Google Docs, so that if you use that as your primary word processing program, you can have the full power of Grammarly behind you also.

OneLook

Don’t you hate it when there’s a word on the tip of your tongue, but you can’t quite think of it? Banish that feeling forever with this reverse dictionary. Simple type in a key phrase in the definition of the word you’re looking for, and it pulls up a long list of potential words for you to choose from.

oTranscribe

Between working for my college’s newspaper and now doing interviews for my blog, I have spent a large chunk of my life transcribing interviews so I can pull quotes. How I wish I had found oTranscribe earlier! Instead of switching back and forth between Word and whatever you use to record, this allows you to do it all in one webpage. Play, pause, fast forward, and rewind without your fingers ever leaving the keyboard. You can also easily add timestamps to keep you oriented during the interview.

There you have it! I hope these resources are as helpful to you as they have been for me.

What are your favorite websites? Have you used any of these before? Let me know in the comments!

The internet can be a time-sucking distraction, but occasionally it's super helpful! These 5 websites are the internet using its powers for good | Penn & Paper — *If you like this post, pin it to share and save for later!*

Featured image by Mimi Thian

6 things I learned about writing from Markus Zusak

When I heard that Markus Zusak, author of The Book Thief, was visiting Denver, I actually gasped out loud. The Book Thief has been influential in my writing and reading life in more ways than I can name. Suffice it to say that I have about a million favorite books, but when forced to choose just one, I say The Book Thief. The characters don’t let you go, the plot is so original, and to say the writing style is beautiful is an understatement. So of course I jumped at the chance to hear Zusak speak, and to get my copy of The Book Thief, as well as his new book, Bridge of Clay, signed. Zusak was a funny and charming speaker, and warm and welcoming when I met him in the signing line. I wish I could have just recorded the whole talk and posted it for you, but here are six things he said that stood out to me the most.

Know the backstory

Zusak said that the way he is able to tell if he’ll be able to turn an idea into a novel is how much backstory comes to him. When you’re planning your book, knowing the background of the characters is incredibly important. Even if most of it doesn’t end up in the book, pieces of it will, and that’s what will give your characters life and make the story memorable to readers. The more your characters seem like real people you know, not just one-sided figures you write about, the more they’ll come alive in the reader’s mind. Having a deep backstory is the best way to accomplish this.

Incorporate details

Zusak used this simple metaphor to convey the importance of details: Once he was at an airport, and forgot his jacket in the security line. When he returned to claim it, the guard asked him what it looked like. He didn’t just describe the color, but also the logo, and how there was a piece of folded-up paper in the pocket. With these precise details, the guard had no trouble believing he was telling the truth and the jacket was his. Likewise, when we incorporate specific, unique details into our stories, the reader is able to believe that we are telling the “truth,” even while knowing it’s fiction. Details are what make your story jump off the page and lodge itself in the reader’s mind. They’re what make a reader stop and think, Yes! That’s exactly how that feels/sounds/looks. How did they know?!

If you don’t feel something, neither will the reader

Robert Frost once said, “No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader.” Zusak modeled this when writing both The Book Thief and Bridge of Clay. During the Q&A session after his talk, a young reader asked him if he cried when writing the end of The Book Thief. He confessed that he had ugly cried as he wrote the ending–like many of us as we read it–and had actually cried even harder when writing the end of Bridge of Clay (causing many of us in the audience to groan with grim but eager anticipation). If you have laid out the backstory of your characters and incorporated details that bring them to life, you as the writer will end up caring deeply about them, so that whatever you feel when writing their fate, the readers will also feel.

Keep writing, no matter what

During the Q&A session, someone asked him who had encouraged him to keep writing when he was young. With a laugh, he responded, “Absolutely no one.” He spoke of how he had never won a contest, never had a short story published, how his parents and his English teachers never thought he would publish a book–but something in him knew that’s what he wanted to do, so he kept trying. When I met him in the signing line, I mentioned how I was a writer and The Book Thief had been so inspirational to me. To my delight, he asked about my writing, and when I said I was writing an adult contemporary fiction novel and had just sent it to people to read, he reminded me that even if I got negative feedback, I was still a writer and I needed to just keep writing. It is easy to be discouraged when we don’t get glowing responses to our work, but imagine if Markus Zusak had listened to those around him and given up. Know that you are a writer, and so you must keep writing.

Write the book only you can write

This might have been my favorite thing Zusak said all night. He doesn’t try to write books that are better than other writers or that win all the awards; his focus is on trying to write stories that only he is capable of writing. “No matter how you feel about The Book Thief or Bridge of Clay, I know that they’re books only I could write,” he said. Don’t compare how “good” your book is to other books or other writers. Focus on the story that only you can write.

Writing takes a bit of luck

Throughout his talk, Zusak mentioned several instances of luck that contributed to his success. Not just in terms of finding an agent or publishing, but in the actual writing of his stories. Before writing The Book Thief, he was visiting a school and leading an activity in which students choose a color and write from its perspective. He ended up writing from Death’s perspective, and thought, Hey, maybe I should use this in that book I’m planning set in Nazi Germany. He also had another page-long piece about a girl in modern-day Sydney stealing a book and had the same thought of incorporating it into the Holocaust story he was planning. Of course, these two ideas are crucial to making The Book Thief into what it is. Likewise, with Bridge of Clay, when he first came up with the idea for the book, he chose the character name ‘Clayton’ at random. It was only later in the process of planning and writing that he shortened it to Clay, and realized it fit perfectly with the idea of building a bridge. Writing takes a lot of skill, and you have to know how to use those strokes of inspiration in your stories, but it’s also helpful to know that a bit of luck is always involved.

A huge thanks to Markus Zusak, both for his incredible stories and for a wonderful evening. Denver’s Tattered Cover bookstore also has my undying love for bringing amazing authors to visit. To buy Zusak’s newest book, Bridge of Clay, click here. You can also read more about Zusak and his books on his website.

(FYI–This post includes affiliate links. I promise to never recommend anything that I haven’t loved and think you should try!)

Have you read The Book Thief or any of Markus Zusak’s books? What’s your favorite? Who is the author you would most love to meet? Who is someone you’ve already met and loved? Let me know in the comments!

Fiction Friday: Chaos Theory snippet

It’s that time again–Fiction Friday! Today I have another scene from my current work-in-progress, Chaos Theory. I sent it to alpha readers earlier this week, and I’m already missing it, even though I know the break will do me good! So this will probably be the last Chaos Theory Fiction Friday for a while, as I take a break and work on other projects. It focuses on the main character, Meredith, as she confronts her husband about his workaholic tendencies, after consulting her friend earlier in the chapter. Enjoy!

Later that night, Meredith was washing dishes when Ryan came home. He dropped his bag onto the table with a sigh.
“Long day?” she asked, not looking up from the plate she was loading into the dishwasher.
He walked to the fridge and peered in. “Nothing out of the usual.”
She snorted. She couldn’t help herself. “You got home at eight o’clock.”
Out of the corner of her eye, Meredith saw him turn to look at her. “What does that mean?”
She set down the bowl she had been washing and faced him. “It means I don’t think a ‘usual day’ should mean you getting home at eight, especially when you got into the office at seven.”
Ryan stood in front of the fridge, watching her. “Where is this coming from?”
“It’s coming from someone who loves you,” Meredith said. “And who is sick of being the only one around to deal with dinner, bath time, bedtime, and clean up.” She nodded to the fridge behind him. “Will you close that door? You’re letting the cold air out.”
Ryan slammed it shut a little harder than Meredith thought was necessary. “Do you not like being a stay-at-home mom? Isn’t that what we agreed on?”
Meredith twisted the dishtowel in her hands into a tight knot. “No, actually, it isn’t. Being a stay-at-home mom means you still leave the office at five like everyone else, and you’re here to enjoy dinner and spending time with your kids before they go to bed.”
“I’m just trying to do my job well, Meredith.” She could see the tension rippling through him, and bit her lip.
“I know. But is everyone staying in the office hours after they need to?” Meredith asked.
Ryan took off his glasses to rub his eyes. “It doesn’t matter what other people are doing. It’s about me being the best.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Doesn’t ‘being the best’ involve comparing yourself to other people?”
He slid his glasses back onto his face and glared at her. “Is it so wrong to want to be the best?”
“When it means sacrificing time with your family, yes, I think it is.” She dropped the dish towel onto the counter. “You’re not going to turn into your dad if you don’t work a sixty hour work week.”
Meredith wanted to regret the words, but she knew he needed to hear them. Still, she saw the shocked look in his face, and stepped forward to comfort him. But he was stony now, and she stopped herself.
“This isn’t about my dad.” His voice was low and gravely. “It’s about wanting to provide for my family.”
In the way that your dad never did, Meredith finished in her head, but she knew better than to say it. Instead, she walked toward him and placed her hand on his arm, feeling the threads of his button-down shirt on her fingertips. “I’m happy you like your job, and I’m happy you want to provide for us. But what we really want is you.”
Ryan laid his hand over hers. She saw his shoulders relax, and felt the tension release from the muscles in his arm. “Okay. I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better.” He leaned forward to kiss her forehead.
She leaned into him, trying to feel relieved. But what she found instead was something more like the brief reprieve of reaching the top of the hill on a roller coaster, before you begin the drop.

Featured image by Vera Arsic

Guest Post: Five ways to be a better reader

Hi everyone! This week I’m excited to share a guest post from fellow writer and blogger, Grace Maples. She shares how being a better reader can make you a better writer. If you want to read the guest post I wrote for her on learning to rest, click here. Enjoy!

I was an avid reader before I started writing. I constantly had a book with me, and I was always immersed in some far away world or time period.

When I started writing, my reading only increased. I also began to study the different parts of a book, how to craft characters, and even how to throw plot twists in stories (my personal favorite). With becoming a writer also came some helpful insights that broadened my genre spectrum and taught me to appreciate authors more.

So, what are some tips on how to show your appreciation for authors? How do you become a better reader?

1. Read all different genres

I struggle in this area. It’s tough getting out of my comfort zone when it comes to reading. I want to stick with my favorite authors, my favorite genres, and never come out of my room (okay, people, I’m an introvert, so excuse that).

But, if you want to write better, and also become a better reader, you need to broaden your spectrum. For instance, I mostly write and read historical fiction. So, most days, you wouldn’t find me looking through the shelf of sci-fi or dystopian.

But I’ve started to branch out, and I’ve even found myself liking some dystopian. Weird right? No, that’s a good reader!

2. Be generous with your reviews

Reviews are some of the best things for authors, especially self-published ones. So, when you read a book, and you love it, you want to rate it very high, right? You want to make sure others hear about how amazing this author is, and how her writing style is just so unique and interesting.

But, what if you don’t like it? Do you just go and tear it apart and bash the author?

No, no, no! Being a writer, I can’t imagine how terrible this would feel! Honestly, I have a hard time with critiques anyway, so this would not only hurt me mentally, but also discourage me because people might see that review, and decide not to give my book a try.

We shouldn’t leave a nasty review. We should either not review it, or we should have a review seasoned with grace. A review seasoned with grace means we are allowed to highlight some of the things we didn’t appreciate, but also add all the parts you enjoyed about it. And in no circumstance should you ever bash an author. Personally bashing an author shows extreme immaturity and also that you really aren’t a good reader.

3. When you find a good one, recommend it

It would really help authors a lot for you to get the word out. If you find a book that’s especially good, review it! Rant about it to your friends, recommend it to fellow bibliophiles, get the word out there!

Also, authors really appreciate letters and emails. Consider sending a cute note or a heartfelt message to your favorite author to tell them exactly how much you appreciate their book. You never know just how much it will mean to them!

4. DON’T BEND THE PAGES!!!

Okay, so this one might be a little personal. I really don’t like it when people bend the pages of a book, especially when they’re books they’ve borrowed from me. But, in general, being a good reader includes taking care of your books! Ebook or real, people will appreciate it (okay so maybe not ebooks). But, if you rent a book from the library or borrow one from someone, please be nice to the book. The book will last longer, and more people will appreciate getting to share it.

5. Read them over and over

“No book is really worth reading at the age of ten which is not equally – and often far more – worth reading at the age of fifty and beyond.” – C.S. Lewis

Books aren’t meant to be read just once. What would be the point of that? It would be quite the waste if all we did was read books once. Authors mean for their books to be read for years, even decades! If you find a book you love, I hope you savor it and read it often. I have a couple of my favorite books that I read at least once a year (sometimes even more than that).

Now, I encourage you to put all of these tips into practice today! These tips will help you become smarter, and most importantly, a better reader. The authors, the fellow bookworms, the fangirls, the books, and, most importantly, you will benefit from being a better reader.

Grace Maples is a homeschooled high school student from Knoxville, TN living in East Africa. She adores traveling, writing nonfiction and historical fiction, playing piano and guitar, and reading great books. She and her family are serving on the mission field in East Africa. She loves Jesus, and seeks to glorify Him with her life. You can find her at Proclaiming His Excellencies blogging about her journey with her Savior and her current WIP.

How has reading affected your writing life? What are some of your favorite books that you see influencing how you write? Show Grace some love and let us know in the comments!

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Featured image by Fabiola Peñalba

What is Parkinson’s Law and how can it help your writing?

Have you ever dedicated an entire afternoon to writing, only to get to the end of the day and realize you only wrote a couple hundred words? But then later when you’re squeezing in an hour of writing between your busy schedule, you can suddenly write a thousand words. What’s up with that?

There are a variety of factors that can affect how productive we are when we sit down to write, but something you may subconsciously know but have never heard named is Parkinson’s Law. This idea was first voiced in the 1950s in an issue of The Economist by Cyril Northcote Parkinson, who later wrote a book on the idea. In short, Parkinson’s Law states that work expands to fill the time available for completion.

So what exactly does that mean, particularly when it comes to writing? Think back to the example I gave at the beginning. When you give yourself all afternoon to write 500 words, it’s going to take that entire period. If you only give yourself an hour to write 500 words, however, you’ll likely finish it without much trouble, even though it’s less time.

The reason for this boils down to quirks in human psychology. We tend to overestimate how long a task will take, so we give ourselves extra time, and then end up filling up that time with other, smaller tasks or distractions or just stressing out about the thing itself, instead of actually doing the thing. Forcing yourself to get something done within a shorter amount of time reveals how often tasks require far less time than we think. This applies to writing as well, and once we’re aware of this tendency, we can actually use it to our advantage. Here are three tips for making Parkinson’s Law work for you.

Give yourself strict deadlines and stick to them
The key to using Parkinson’s Law to your benefit is creating clear deadlines, and not letting yourself get away with fudging them. When you say you’ll write 200 words in thirty minutes, set that timer and start writing. Make sure you have everything you need before you start, so you don’t have any lame excuses for not getting it done. If you say you’ll write that much in half an hour, but actually let yourself take a full hour or longer, you’re just slipping back into old habits.

Break up long work sessions into smaller chunks
So maybe you do want to spend the afternoon writing, but you don’t want to only get a few hundred words out. What sounds like an actual reasonable goal for several hours of writing? A few thousand words? Three chapters? You decide, and then divide it into smaller pieces. It’s easier to monitor your progress and stay on track if you decide you’ll write 400 words every thirty minutes for several hours as opposed to writing 4,000 words in an afternoon. This also allows you to give yourself short, regulated breaks—after each thirty minute session, you can spend five minutes doing something else, which will ultimately increase the productivity of your work time as a whole. Breaking up your writing session, as well as your goal, into smaller chunks helps it seem less intimidating and will be more encouraging as you hit your target for each mini-session.

Set goals that work for you
Everybody writes at a different pace. For some people, writing 100 words in an hour is an accomplishment, while others can regularly write 1,000 words in the same amount of time. Don’t let yourself be intimidated if you think you’re a slower writer, and don’t get cocky if you tend to write faster. Each writer has their own rhythm, and this can change depending on where you are in the process. Someone may find editing easier and fly through that, while other people love drafting and can bang it out faster that seems possible. Be self-aware when it comes to how you work, and allow this to guide the goals you set. Your goals should challenge you, but if you’re constantly trying to write 2,000 words an hour when normally you only get about 500, you’ll end up becoming discouraged. You have to build up to that writing pace, just like exercising, and also accept that you may never be able to consistently write at that speed, and that’s okay! On the other hand, if you tend to be a faster writer, make sure your goals are challenging you. If you do frequently write 1,000 words an hour but during a writing session you make 200 words in the hour your goal, you’re wasting your own time and stretching out that task to take far longer than it should. Your goal should push you, but not be impossible or underwhelming.

Still skeptical? Just try it. Set a timer and set your goal, and see how much you get done. The first time I tried this, I got 900 words in thirty minutes! Of course, this won’t always happen—sometimes you’ll get stuck, and it’s not quite like a word sprint when you just write anything no matter how bad it is. You want it to have some quality, but you don’t want to let yourself get bogged down in pretending to research or brainstorm, and write less than you’re capable of. But the best thing you can do is to give it a shot and see how much more productive you can be now that you’re aware of Parkinson’s Law.

Have you heard of Parkinson’s Law before? Do you work better when you have a shorter amount of time? Let me know in the comments!

Parkinson's Law is the idea that work expands to fill the time available for completion. It's often talked about in a business context, but what does it look like if we apply it to writing? — *If you liked this post, pin it to share and save it for later!*

Fiction Friday: Chaos Theory snippet

Today’s Fiction Friday is another passage from my current work-in-progress, Chaos Theory. This is a portion from later on in the book. The main character’s dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and this is the first time we see her really interacting with him after it has severely affected him. If you’ve read the synopsis of the book, you know that it follows two alternative timelines (but not in a sci-fi way…) and when I was planning it, I wanted to have an event that wasn’t dependent on her initiating choice so it would happen in both timelines, and readers could see the two different reactions. This event is her dad being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I drew on my experience of living with my grandpa who has Alzheimer’s, as well as listening to and reading lots of stories from other people taking care of their parents who have Alzheimer’s and dementia.

Meredith turned off the engine of the car after pulling up in front of her parents’ house. Before getting out of the car, she paused, arms rested on the steering wheel, considering the house. She had grown up here. A few years ago her mom had talked about downsizing, but when her dad was diagnosed, they all agreed it would be best for him to stay in a house he was familiar with. So now it was just the two of them in a house that was both too large for them, yet seemed so much smaller now than it was in her memories as a child. The lawn was no longer overgrown, stretching out across the front sidewalk like fingers of some stringy green beast, which it had started to do last year when Dad couldn’t work the lawnmower anymore. Her mom had finally decided to hire a neighborhood high school kid to come over and mow it weekly, so it now looked as kempt as it had when her dad was in charge of it—almost, anyway. He always seemed to be extra perfectionist when it came to the yard. The neighbhorhood kid didn’t have that level of care—understandable, but still.

As Meredith stepped out of the car, her mom opened the front door. “Meredith? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, Mom, why?”

“I just saw your car pull up and then you didn’t get out of it.” She was standing on the porch wearing a flowy maxi dress, deep blues mixed with greens.

“Oh—just thinking, that’s all.” Meredith smiled at her mom. “You look nice.”

Her mom smiled back, glancing down quickly at her outfit. “I’m sure I’m overdressed, but it’s so hot and I figured, why not?”

Meredith had reached the porch by this time and gave her mom a hug. “‘You can never be overdressed or over-educated.’ Oscar Wilde.”

Her mom laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

They parted from the hug and Meredith followed her inside. Her mom’s friend had invited her to go see a show at the Dallas Summer Musicals series, and Meredith had quickly agreed to stay with Dad so she could go. It was, at least in Meredith’s memory, the first time she had gone out without Dad since the end of last year when his Alzheimer’s had gotten noticeably worse.

“Okay, Joy should be here any minute,” her mom was saying, picking up her purse and checking to make sure she had her keys and phone. “There are some leftovers in the fridge for when you two get hungry. Just make sure that he only eats one or two helpings—”

“Mom, I know,” Meredith said smiling. “I’m the one who caught him eating his fourth slice of cake on Leah’s last birthday, remember?”

Her mom sighed, but smiled a little. “I forgot about that. I understand he doesn’t remember getting the first three, but I really don’t get how he didn’t feel sick after them!”

Meredith gave her mom’s shoulder a squeeze. “I got this. You go have fun.”

Her mom smiled widely at her, and Meredith could see how excited she was to go, but also saw threads of worry creasing her forehead. “Okay, I just…”

“What, Mom?”

She shook her head. “It’s been awhile since I’ve left him like this. We’re always together, either her at home or out at dinner or the store…I’m just worried that he won’t handle it well.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” Meredith said. “So you don’t have to worry. I can call Leah or Jeremiah for backup if I need to.”

Her mom nodded, smiling, and Meredith hoped she listened to her. They both turned as they saw a car pull up in front of the house. “That’ll be Joy,” her mom said, checking her purse one more time. “Okay. I love you, and I’ll be back in a few hours. Call me if you need anything.”

Meredith nodded, and her mom walked quickly to the living room where Dad was seated in the recliner, watching TV. “Okay, Carson, I’m going out for a little bit, but Meredith is here, all right?”

Carson turned slowly, taking in the two women. His eyes lit up with recognition when he saw Meredith. “Mer bear!” She smiled, relieved he still remembered her nickname. That was a good sign.

Her mom nodded, and then went out the front door, closing it gently behind her.

“Where is Dawn going?” he asked, eyebrows furrowed.

Meredith sat down on the couch, placed diagonally from his chair. “She has tickets to see a show with her friend Joy.”

Her dad nodded. “Right. I remember that,” he said, but it was in the voice he used when he was trying to cover up the fact that he had no memory of whatever was being discussed. Meredith didn’t push it.

“So how have you been, Dad?” she asked, sliding off her sandals and tucking her feet underneath her on the couch.

“Oh, you know, same old, same old,” he shrugged. This had become his standard answer to this question.

“Mom told me you guys went on a walk yesterday,” Meredith prompted.

His eyebrows furrowed again. “She said that?”

Meredith nodded. “Yep. You guys walked around the neighborhood to the park, because the weather was really nice yesterday. It’s back to being super hot today.”

Her dad nodded slowly. “Right. We fed ducks.”

Meredith smiled, feeling a knot of tension loosen in her chest. “Yeah, she mentioned that.” She paused, but he didn’t respond, his eyes sliding back towards the TV. “What’re you watching?” she asked, turning to look also.

“What? Oh, I don’t know, just whatever is on,” he said simply. It appeared to be a lengthy infomercial. Meredith held back a sigh.

“Are you hungry, Dad?” she asked, standing.

He paused, as if thinking, before responding, “Actually yes. I don’t think I’ve eaten all day.”

Meredith stood up from the couch. “Yes you have, Dad. Mom was here and I’m sure she made you breakfast and lunch.”

“Really? I don’t remember that.” His brows were furrowed again.

“I know. That’s okay.” She walked over to his chair to give him a kiss on his forehead. “I’ll heat up dinner and we’ll eat in a little bit, okay?” He nodded, and Meredith made her way into the kitchen.

Leftovers were in the fridge as her mom had said—some pieces of chicken and a mix of vegetables. Meredith placed the meat on a plate and put it in the microwave. As she waited for it, she could hear the TV blaring loudly from the other room, an obnoxious man describing a supposedly miraculous gardening tool. She wondered if she should offer to change the channel for him, or if that would just offend him.

Before she had decided, her dad shuffled around the corner and into the kitchen.

“Hey Dad. Need something?” she asked. Meredith hated the chipperness that had begun to seep into her voice whenever she spoke to him now. It was the way people talked to four year olds, not their fathers. And yet he seemed so childlike at times, that it was hard not to. It was also a convenient way to cover up any frustration or annoyance that may otherwise slip out in her tone.

He paused, looking around the room, like he had forgotten how he had arrived there, wringing his hands together repeatedly. Finally, her dad said, “Are we eating dinner tonight?”

Meredith forced a smile onto her face. “Yep, I’m heating it up right now.” She cut off the Remember? from the end of her sentence, knowing he wouldn’t remember and it would only make him feel bad.

The microwave beeped, and she gingerly removed the plate before replacing it with a bowl of the vegetables in the microwave. When she turned around, she saw he had sat down at the kitchen table.

“Do you want to eat in here or the living room?” she asked.

“We always eat in here,” he said simply.

“Right.” She wondered how he remembered things like that but not that she had said two minutes ago that she was making dinner.

The microwave sounded again and she removed the vegetables. Quickly, she distributed the food to two plates and brought them over to the table along with the silverware. Then she went to the cabinet to retrieve cups, but nearly dropped them when she heard her dad cry out sharply.

“Dad! What’s wrong?” she asked, quickly crossing the few steps to the kitchen table.

He was spitting out a bite back onto the plate. “It’s hot.”

Meredith closed her eyes, stomach threatening to revolt at the half-chewed piece of chicken. “Sorry, Dad, I should have warned you. I just finished heating it up.” She put a hand on his shoulder. “Are you all right?” He nodded, and picked up a paper napkin and then wrapped the piece of chicken in it, which Meredith appreciated.

She finished getting them glasses of water, and then they sat down at the table to eat. They said grace, another detail that her father always managed to remember, and then began eating.

There were a few moments of silence, before her dad said, “So, how are things with you?”

“They’re good,” she said, once again internally wincing at the camp counselor level of perkiness that saturated her voice. “Work is going well for me. I’ve got a big event next week that I’m covering when the presidential candidates visit Birmingham, which sounds exciting but usually just means waiting on a tarmac for an interminable amount of time.” She smiled, but her dad seemed focused on eating his chicken. “Jeremiah is enjoying his job also. He’s got a new round of people he’ll start training next week, so he’s excited.”

“What do you do again?” he said abruptly.

Meredith swallowed. “I’m a journalist, Dad. I write for AL.com.”

His eyes grew wide. “No kidding?”

“Yep. For about four years now.” She smiled tightly.

Her dad nodded, eyebrows raised even as he turned back to cut into his chicken again. “And who’s Jeremiah?”

“My husband, Dad. I’m married.” She prepared herself for the barrage of questions that typically followed this reminder.

His head snapped up. “You’re married? Since when? Did we come to the wedding?”

“For almost ten years. Yes, of course you came. You walked me down the aisle.”

Her dad stared at her as if she had just told him he had been the first man to walk on the moon. “I did?”

She nodded, her throat tight. “Yeah. You told me a knock-knock joke right before, to make me less nervous.”

He smiled slightly. “That does sound like me.”

Meredith smiled back at him, but quickly stood up before he could ask about the tears in her eyes. “Do you want some more water?”

“Sure, Mer bear. Thanks.”

She brought both glasses to the sink and flicked on the filtered water tap to fill them. She wiped her cheeks briefly with the back of her hand to clear them of any remaining tears before returning to the table, setting a glass down in front of her dad.

“Did we do a father daughter dance?”

The question caught her off guard. He had never asked that one before. Usually by the time she had returned doing whatever activity was convenient to give herself a moment to get composed, he had moved on to a new topic.

Meredith cleared her throat. “Uh, yeah. We danced to ‘The Way You Look Tonight.’”

He nodded slowly. “Frank Sinatra. Great song. We used to dance to that when you were a kid. Do you remember that?”

“Of course, Dad.” She smiled, more to herself than at him. “We would push all the furniture out of the way in the living room. You taught me how to waltz. That’s why I chose it.”

He smiled at her and, for just a second, it was like nothing had changed, like they were just a father and daughter having dinner together. Like seeing movement in a window of a house you thought was abandoned.

“Where’s Dawn?” he asked abruptly, frowning as he looked around.

Meredith breathed in sharply. “She’s out with friends. She’ll be back in a little bit.”

He nodded, and turned back to his plate of food. Meredith watched him for a few moments, sitting at the kitchen table where she had eaten cereal every morning for years, struggled over algebra homework, fought with Leah at game nights, surrounded by the house she once knew, that was now empty and still.

Featured image by Tim Doerfler